"Oh, why me, God?"

I was just reading through one of those annoying slides people send to others just so that they won't have 3 years of bad luck etc.? Well, one of them had an interesting message in it about God and how we mere mortals tend to be ungrateful for all that we have as we focus on the ones that we do not have and whine & whine & whine? It just got me thinking about my past relationships (with humans, not God, mind you) during which time I used to whine & whine & whine, "why me, God?". I think I've learned alot from the 2 long term relationships i've been in; almost 5 yrs with a serial adulterer, 3 yrs+ with a suspicious paranoid, the rest in between were a series of short stays with a low self esteem, thug wannabe from the Bronx of downtown KL (haha), obsessed stalker, a kind hearted person who doesn't speak English and you know, the list goes on.. Sometimes I wondered what the hell was I doing wrong that I tend to attract all the wrong kinds all the time.

Now, on hindsight, I'm SO glad I've met all those characters I did in the past. Heck, I'm even grateful for the 5 torturing years (self inflicted obviously, coz I CHOSE to stay that long!) with the one who can't keep his d**k in his pants. I met him when I was 19, I was completely in love with him as he was a smooth talking sonofabitch, the smoothest you will find on the streets of KL! I stuck around him for that long coz I wanted to make it work by helping him to change. My rationale was if I remain faithful to him despite his cheating ways, I will make him see that my love for him was pure & real and eventually he will grow out of his nasty habits and be faithful to me. Uh hmm. After many incidents of me busting his ass, like, when one of his other gfs show up at his place when I'm there, I sort of, evolved. My reason for staying with him changed, although I stayed nevertheless. The last two years in the relationship all I wanted was revenge. I was just waiting for the time to have him wrapped around my fingers, helpless and gullible, then I'd pay him back. And that's what I did. After all those gfs I helped kick out his apartment, out of his life, even making him call one the girl's mother to tell her that he's not gonna marry the daughter (in front of me, of course), the day finally came. I told him it was over and it drove him nuts. He started calling me at home non stop. Sending me flowers, sending my gf flowers so that she'd help talk me out of my decision (or so he thought), stalking, camping in front of my parent's place waiting for me to come home, even to the extent of slitting his palm! None of that meant jack to me. As far as I knew it, it was over, long over. That was it. That was pay back. That was my victory. That's when I realised that I've transformed from a naive little girl into a cold hearted bitch. Thanks to him. From the bottom of my heart.

I'm grateful too for the experience with the loving, generous old man (no, he wasn't THAT old, only 12 years older than me, so when I met him I was 26 he was 38 - not that bad is it?) who was obsessed with the idea that I was being unfaithful just because I was young & beautiful (ahem) and he was not (huh!). Seriously, he was a good looking man (for a man his age-haha), but he got screwed by two ex-wives, so I reckon that sort of explains the paranoia. Still, his constant accusations & distrusts were very taxing on the relationship. I stayed on coz I honestly thought that we could make it work, that he would over time learn that I'm not at all what he thinks I am, I wanted to prove something (I dont know what) to him and to myself. I think I believed that to be happy you need to be in pain or something similarly sick. Hmmmph.

Anyways, lesson learned:

1. Never go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person. You won't and you can't, the only thing you can do is change yourself because that's within your control. The negative aspect of it is that you may end up "the changed one" and God forbid, for the worse.
2. Never accept anything less than good from a relationship. Why should you? You deserve the best for yourself, so why settle for less?
3. Revenge is SWEEET!! Believe me, nothing lifts your spirit as good as that feeling of success! If I had to, I would do it again!