This Love Hurts

I never imagined when they say "FULLTIME" mum, it really means round-the-clock-like-24/7-with-no-rest-whatsoever!

I've had days when I thought to myself I'd probably be a better mum if I was working and come home to spend 1 or 2 hours before their bedtime and leave early in the morning before they wake up. Like I used to, with the older one. Was I a better mum then? I guess I was. I was much more loving and tolerant and fun to be with (this is MY assumption, of course).

These days, if I wake up at 7 - 7.30am, I'd be able to clean & tidy up the house, do the laundry and have a cup of coffee, sitting down, like properly with a sandwich or biscuits or something. But if I slept in and wake up closer to 9am, I won't be able to do ANYTHING, that is, no coffee, no breakfast, no lunch, not even pee break until its 2 or 3pm when they both nap. That frustrates me.

Few days back one of those days when I havne't managed to get anything done, while I was feeding the baby, I asked her to grab a tissue so that I could wipe her nose. She refused to budge. I said it again and again AND again. She ignored me completely and carried on with whatever she was playing with. So I shouted.

Only then she grabbed a tissue, let me wipe her nose, threw the tissue away then came back and sat down next to me and said, "Mummy, please don't shout at Nia" with the saddest face and huge puppy-dog eyes. I knew I just screwed up, like BIG TIME. I panicked. Something I seldom do. I didn't, for a few seconds, know how to respond to that. When I came to, I said to her, "I'm sorry for shouting at you".
Did she understand that I was really, truly sorry? What goes on in her mind when she said that to me? I'd really like to understand things from her perspective and wish she was able to tell me that but I guess that will take a few more years yet.

I still haven't figured out what is OK and what is NOT OK in dealing with toddlers like her. Reading tonnes of material on disciplining toddlers only making me more confused than I ever was. I miss the days when all I'd say to her were sweet nonsenses and she just cooed and smiled and later on, babbled gibberish back to me. I miss the time when she was the baby and all I felt was overwhelming love and nothing else. What am I doing wrong?